Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going to Talk About

BY JEN SNOW

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Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • “Here’s the thing,” she said, “I’m a catch.”
  • “That’s the thing,” he said, “so am I.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • “When you talk to her,” he told himself, “aim more for passive compliment, and less for marriage proposal.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I insisted that you keep your socks on, not because your feet were cold against mine, but because I didn’t want to see your ankle tattoo of a cartoon turtle.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • She was always searching for a story.
  • He was sometimes searching for her story too.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • At some point, soon, we are going to have to redefine the word “favorite.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • Do not make a list of things you love more than love.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • Is he or she “Similar To You” because you look at his or her Twitter feed 12 times a day?

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • The rule is: NO SUBWAY PANTS ON THE BED.
  • The rule is not an invitation to take off all clothing upon entering my apartment.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • “Didn’t you get my text message?” I asked. 
  • “Everyone got your text message,” he said, “you sent it to Twitter.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I knew it was over when he bought some self-help books for me, for Chanukah.
  • I thought it was weird that such a smart man did not understand the meaning of the word “self.”
  • He thought it was weird that I pretended that was the part that mattered.
  • “The ‘self’ isn’t the point,” he said.
  • I pointed out that the semantics were sort of actually exactly the point.
  • And we seemed, for a moment, like a pretty good match.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” said my mother, “but we already got a holiday card from the garbage men, so you really should mail your cards soon.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • You always obscure the object,” they said.
  • But maybe they meant “the subject.”