Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going to Talk About

BY JEN SNOW

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Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I like it when someone says that something “is really something.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • There must be a word for it, maybe in German, for what happens when you cry while wearing glasses.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • This afternoon, on Sixth Avenue, a young solicitor stepped in front of me, and tried to stop me, and — with a straight face and without missing a beat as I kept walking — he said to me, “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Beyonce?”
  • (I do not look like Beyonce, alas.)

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I’ve gone through four phones since we last spoke. How many more before I stop transferring your number?

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • Uneasy access.
  • Over-easy eggs.
  • Accidental enthusiasm.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • In therapy, don’t say: “because the human condition.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I started working at The Village Voice while I was still in college. I scheduled all of my classes on two days of the week so that I could work three full days in the office. Don Forst was my first real boss. And I was young, and sometimes he would call my mother to check in and to tell her that I was okay. It seems silly now, but I think he did it because he really cared. I stayed there for more than five years. I’m not even old enough now to talk about “the good old days,” but we really had it good. I resigned shortly after Don announced that he was leaving (right after the paper was sold, right after I had to watch so many friends get fired, and right after I had to listen to lists of which friends would be fired next). It wasn’t directly related, but it was time for me to go. I typed his resignation letter for him, and that was one of the saddest work tasks I’ve ever done. There’s a memorial service for Don today. And I can’t even imagine how that’s going to go. But I’m pretty sure that I’ll never be so charmed if a boss calls my mother ever again.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • On Friends, the only main character who didn’t have a roommate was Ross.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • She told me that I look like her therapist.
  • So now I want to see her therapist.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • My sister called. “We need to have a talk,” she said. “No one on Instagram likes it when you post photos of your conversations with robots.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I just deposited a check using an app and the camera on my phone, and that’s amazing, but I am sad that my children won’t know a drive-through bank pneumatic tube lollipop situation.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • 25 Melodramatic E-mails That I Wrote And Saved As Drafts in 2013
  • (I should admit that I actually have 549 e-mail drafts.)