February 2012
5 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“Here’s the thing,” she said, “I’m a catch.”
“That’s the thing,” he said, “so am I.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Until soon.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“When you talk to her,” he told himself, “aim more for passive compliment, and less for marriage proposal.”
2 tags
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I insisted that you keep your socks on, not because your feet were cold against mine, but because I didn’t want to see your ankle tattoo of a cartoon turtle.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Analysis paralysis.
January 2012
6 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
She was always searching for a story.
He was sometimes searching for her story too.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
At some point, soon, we are going to have to redefine the word “favorite.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Do not make a list of things you love more than love.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Is he or she “Similar To You” because you look at his or her Twitter feed 12 times a day?
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Internet retirement, imminent.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The rule is: NO SUBWAY PANTS ON THE BED.
The rule is not an invitation to take off all clothing upon entering my apartment.
December 2011
8 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“Didn’t you get my text message?” I asked.
“Everyone got your text message,” he said, “you sent it to Twitter.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I knew it was over when he bought some self-help books for me, for Chanukah.
I thought it was weird that such a smart man did not understand the meaning of the word “self.”
He thought it was weird that I pretended that was the part that mattered.
“The ‘self’ isn’t the point,” he said.
I pointed out that the semantics were sort of actually exactly the point.
And we seemed, for a moment, like...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” said my mother, “but we already got a holiday card from the garbage men, so you really should mail your cards soon.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You always obscure the object,” they said.
But maybe they meant “the subject.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
He refuses to wear a seat belt.
She uses the rear-view mirror to apply the glaucoma eye drops that promote eyelash growth, that simulate eyelash extensions, that stimulate eyelash extension, though she is sitting in the back seat and she does not have glaucoma in either eye.
“We are,” they say, “ready to try something new.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We were sitting on your bed, and you were annoyed with me, and you had a black Sharpie marker in your hand, and you said, “Hey, can I write something on your shirt?”
And I said, “Sure,” because it was actually your shirt.
And you wrote “PAY ATTENTION TO ME,” across the front, below the v-neck, but also on my chest, since the t-shirt was worn, thin, and the ink bled through.
And it was a...
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Tomorrow morning I am going to be on Good Morning America.
Tonight I arrived home and realized that I left my bag (keys, wallet, eyeglasses, various pills, makeup, 10 pounds of other assorted important things) in my office.
Sometimes I manage to surprise myself.
#themosthumblebrag
ADDENDUM:
My mom just sent a text message that says, “WHAT?! THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME ABOUT YOU...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
My arm is allergic to your face.
November 2011
5 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The reason I was not totally paying attention to you while we were talking and I was crossing and uncrossing my legs.
They say to cross your legs “in the direction of” someone, in order to indicate that you like them.
I never know which leg goes on top, and whether your crossed knees are supposed to be the part of this equation that ends up pointing toward the other person, or your...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I have a phone number in L.A.
It spells my name.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
He said, “Let’s not make out,” in the movie theater, during Melancholia, “and say that we did.”
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Twitter is not your test audience.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Is that a pickup line or a press release?
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
There is no elegant way to say that you have “fallen out of crush” with someone.
You didn’t “break up” exactly. Or, at all.
We might need a new phrase to describe delusion.
October 2011
7 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“I couldn’t help but wonder” why I couldn’t help but wonder.
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The “Metropolitan Diary” column in today’s New York Times includes two separate anecdotes that take place inside fabric stores.
Dear New York, we can do better than that.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
In theory? Yes.
In practice? No.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
If you run into Zach Galifianakis on the street — and by “run,” I mean “walk,” and by “walk” I mean “stumble,” and by “stumble” I mean, of course you stumble because you are clumsy, and you are wearing high heels designed by an architect and you are on your way to the shoe store where you bought them, and that shoe store, with the shoes...
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The New York Times reporter sent me an email that said, “I’m thinking the Times won’t let me get away with your title: Yenta.”
I sent my business card for fact-checking. My business card says “Yenta.”
They went with “spokeswoman” instead.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
If I update my blog, but I do not e-mail you back, will you be mad?
September 2011
8 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
That thing where you accidentally pocket-dial the rabbi the day before Rosh Hashanah and when you notice the call in progress in your pocket you say “OH MY GOD” and hang up.
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
In therapy, we talk about therapy, primarily.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Nostalgia for things you never knew.
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Just What Is It That Makes Today’s Homes So Different, So Appealing?
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
How to talk about Twitter in therapy.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We stood in the backyard, posed for a photo, and I observed, out loud, without fanfare, without thinking: “I am the only one who is not holding a baby.”
My mother, behind the camera, and also without missing a beat, replied, “Would you like to hold your purse?
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Doesn’t everyone re-read Foucault’s lectures on “Psychiatric Power” every summer while every therapist is on vacation?
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Every hairstylist hates it when you say, “I don’t want you to dye over the gray. I want gray highlights. White stripes.”
August 2011
5 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We never take the before photo.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
My grandfather is 91 years old. Three women stayed at his house in Brooklyn during the storm.
“They’re elderly,” he said, “I didn’t want them to be alone.”
My grandfather is basically Brooklyn’s oldest Hurricane Boyfriend.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I do not want to talk to you, but I do want to leave messages on your answering machine.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I hope there is a word (maybe there is a word in German?) for when you are walking in New York City, and, for only a moment, your hand basically accidentally holds hands with a stranger who is walking in the opposite direction, toward you, on the sidewalk, or in the street, and though you barely touch, and neither one of you stops your stride, and you don’t even make eye contact, and you...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You are, in fact, wearing more than one solid color. Congratulations. Please stop calling it “color blocking.”
July 2011
11 posts
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Do not take a photograph of yourself reflected in the mirror in a bathroom that is not your own.
Even if you look adorable today.
Even if the sink is so nice and the decor is really striking and the lighting is perfect and sort of low.
You will have another good hair day.
You can wear this outfit again.
What should you say when someone walks in and sees you in the process of taking a...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I am having trouble not referring to my vacation days as “Next week, when I am retired….”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
When they broke up, she was not concerned with dividing the library they shared.
(They’d kept two copies of some books, looking forward — in hindsight she now knew — to this day.)
She was mostly worried about which jokes she could keep.
(She missed some of the punchlines the first time, but she realized, of course, that she would miss retelling them too.)
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Is this also the end of astronaut ice cream?
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
If, in therapy, you tell the story of Just Something That Happened One Day Since I Saw You Last Week — and at the end of the session the doctor says, “You could pitch that to The New Yorker. Talk of the Town.” — do you win a prize?
Is this the ultimate goal within the world of seeking psychoanalytic therapy/approval in New York City?
Isn’t this the ultimate goal within the...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
What I said: “I am going into your bedroom and I am taking off my shirt and you should bring the camera.”
What I meant: “I need you to help document the enormous mosquito bites on my back and shoulders and both arms, so I can show photographs of this ridiculous allergic reaction to the allergist.”