January 2009
25 posts
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Stop saying that you are “cranky.” They can see that. Clearly. Also, you are not 8 years old; you don’t get to call it that anymore.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I think I dumped him the moment I met him.
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You will regret looking at their Facebook pages.
Twice the sleep, last night, made me tired.
Some fonts are not flattering.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Can I be that quiet?
Do they really need a recipe?
Why is he always talking about sin?
Slippers.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
That kind of spirituality doesn’t travel to the suburbs.
Save the date.
3 tags
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
And then, when you fall down a few steps, like you do every time you go up or down the staircase in every Apple Store, just leave. Do not say something funny, or something else that is snotty. Now it is clear to The Geniuses that you drop your phone on a daily basis. They will not fix that either.
3 tags
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
At the Apple Store they hate it if you say, “Sorry, I guess I’m just not a great Genius, like you,” after they scoff at the fact that it made sense to you to remove some keys to do some cleaning.
Only three were broken from overuse. The period, comma, and question mark.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Today’s mail brought a postcard, for you, that started, “Dear friend, I find it easy to get by for so long by doing better to get better ideas from TV and science. That is an idea for today too.” It went on, of course, and got more personal, and more specific, so I shouldn’t print it here. It wasn’t addressed to me, but with an opener like that, how could I stop?...
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I have about a million blogs, so I know that you’re not just good at guessing; I am an easy read.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
It is not hard to pretend that I don’t see other people.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You said, “I could love you, in theory.”
That didn’t make me sad.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Note to myself: Do not cry so much when you see Barack Obama nodding his head and singing along to “American Pie.” This is not the end of the summer at sleep-away camp; it is the beginning of something great.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Mirroring.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
That isn’t a terrorist. That is a man who is standing and staring for far too long at the table of tomatoes.
I wanted to call out, “It’s winter, sir. The tomatoes aren’t even great. Can you move, please, sir, so I can decide if I want to purchase any of them or if I’m really scared you sprayed them with posion from your odd looking magnifying glass.”
That...
2 tags
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Stop telling people that you hate hugging. They will find out soon enough.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You took my morning medicine?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The door was unlocked all day.
She had to choose? Pride or prejudice?
I like some parts of that schedule.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
My dream job, at one point, was to be a secretary at Saturday Night Live. Not on the show. In the office.
2 tags
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I wanted to tell him: “Stop falling in love with strangers.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Who doesn’t have a pen?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I assumed, at first, that you were functional.
You assumed, at first, that I was functional?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“He intends to promote the album with singles, a photo shoot, and a handful of interviews, if only to prove that record promotion doesn’t really work, at least not for him.” Right, Will Oldham, and how does this nice long profile by Kelefa Sanneh in the New Yorker fit in to that foolproof plan?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The New-York Ghost is back, but how did I ever make it through work weeks, any weeks, commutes, cab rides, etc. without it?! You really should sign up now, print it out, read it too.
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Everything I said while shopping for a mattress probably would have been more helpful/appropriate if I’d said it in therapy.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
When my family jokes about surprising me by signing me up for a reality-television makeover show, they aren’t joking. The threat of that knock on the door from Tim Gunn or What Not to Wear or cameras and hosts from any number of reality-tv makeover shows is one of the things I fear most.