April 2009
25 posts
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I fell asleep in his Smart Car.
March 2009
28 posts
Things I Don't Understand and Definitely Am Not...
How have I never ever imagined any of Marcel Dzama’s drawings actually coming to life?
Dzama and Patrick Daughters (the dreamiest of teams, for sure) made a music video for Department of Eagles. It is amazing, and now I feel like the people in my prints are going to start dancing.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I always wanted to write a letter to Helen Levitt.
Things I Don't Understand and Definitely Am Not...
Your attorney’s lack of power.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The most accurate assesment: he is best described as the type of guy who is always wearing the wrong shirt.
Now there is no such thing as trivia.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Nicknames.
If someone says, “a couple of…” does it always mean “two?”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I must have been absent the day they taught that.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Belts.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I can’t draw and you don’t play games, but we were the best Pictionary team ever.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“Your hands are so dry,” barked the manicurist, “your husband must never let you touch him.”
“My husband does not exist, so my unmoisturized hands are the least of his problems,” I replied.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I’ve been craving: capers, carbonation, cardamom.
Not together.
And I want the windows open, even a crack, especially when it’s cold outside.
All the time.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I was rounding that number in the wrong direction.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The cover of today’s New York Times. That photo! I was running late and trying to rush through Union Square and I saw it and it made me stop. And I bought the paper because I had to look at it, in context, immediately, and not on a computer screen and I thought I couldn’t wait until I got home tonight to the copy that I’d passed over on my way out the door.
When was the last...
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The phrase “carry a tune.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
At one point, my “escape” plan, in its entirety, was: become a concierge.
I would not have moved away.
Isn’t that obvious?
This had nothing to do with hotels.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“What, exactly, does that shampoo say about you?” he asked, horrified, pointing at my bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tangles, No More Tears: For Curly Hair.
“Does it mean that you are really, really, really ready to have a baby? Or, the opposite: that you are not up for that, yet, at all?” he added.
I always thought that it means that I have fine, yet...
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Clenching my teeth all day can cause migraines?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I ate the apple from the Yoko Ono sculpture because I was annoyed with you.
It was worth it.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The distance doesn’t matter.
There is an irresistible and persistent impulse to walk home.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I don’t dream.
But I talk in my sleep. Every night.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Is that lady wearing tights that look like jeans or jeans that are too tight?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
They took their sleeping pills on the subway ride home.
“To save time.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The Purim spiel is sold out?
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
There is always an accident on that corner, on that avenue.
Therapy on the radio.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We could have had cute kids.
Who says things like that to girls?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The reminder they sent on a card in the mail says that it is $79.97 to renew my subscription for another year of The New Republic.
I just called. Apparently that price is still not a joke.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Can you forget all my passwords, please?
I am having trouble making up and remembering new ones.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You didn’t put me on the guest list because you wanted to watch me talk my way into the room?
We both win.