May 2009
28 posts
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
He is not “making eyes at you.”
That is just how his eyes look.
All the time.
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
This amazing article appeared in the New York Times. It did not appear in The Onion.
Has it been optioned for film yet?
It contains so many hilarious gems! Including:
“A measure of how rapidly the ritual is spreading is that some students complain of peer pressure to hug to fit in.”
“Parents, who grew up in a generation more likely to use the handshake, the low-five...
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
If I cannot find my password, can I ever turn it off?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Strollers are starting to look like spaceships.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We might sleep through that.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
He wore a small green button on his lapel. It said: “BE NICE.”
It made me furious.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
How to tell which eyeglasses are a good size and shape for my face.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I thought I lost an engagement ring.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Let’s not dance and say we did.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I do not like your design blog.
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We are not the same kind of lonely. I can tell.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
She is the type of person who always accidentally adopts the other person’s accent or affectation when she talks to them on the phone.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Where else have I heard this song?
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Your poem is so plain.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Dispense as written.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
If I watch a tv show on my laptop, and I do so in bed, and I lie down under the covers, it all feels a little weird. Like, the computer should probably be on a bedside table, not on the pillow next to mine.
Too much information.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Though they looked healthy, and did not hurt, her toenails began to fall off of her feet.
One by one. Three so far. Into her socks or onto the floor.
She walked into things, often, actually, and hoped that this might be the cause.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The elevator’s advertising screen warned, “Do not use commas to bracket phrases that are essential to a sentence’s meaning.”
1 tag
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I am basically amazing.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
They were editors of fiction.
By profession, fakers of fact.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I never tear off the right amount of floss.
You should not refer to them as “my demographic.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“I thought you were a photographer,” he said.
It sounded like an accusation.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Pedometers.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You’re so blog.
I’ll bet you think this blog is about you.
(Don’t you?)
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
The phrase “mutually exclusive.”
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
It is time to get out of bed.
Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not...
She pitched her story.
No one laughed.
The configuration of the chairs.