December 2011
8 posts
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“Didn’t you get my text message?” I asked.
“Everyone got your text message,” he said, “you sent it to Twitter.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
I knew it was over when he bought some self-help books for me, for Chanukah.
I thought it was weird that such a smart man did not understand the meaning of the word “self.”
He thought it was weird that I pretended that was the part that mattered.
“The ‘self’ isn’t the point,” he said.
I pointed out that the semantics were sort of actually exactly the point.
And we seemed, for a moment, like...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” said my mother, “but we already got a holiday card from the garbage men, so you really should mail your cards soon.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
You always obscure the object,” they said.
But maybe they meant “the subject.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
He refuses to wear a seat belt.
She uses the rear-view mirror to apply the glaucoma eye drops that promote eyelash growth, that simulate eyelash extensions, that stimulate eyelash extension, though she is sitting in the back seat and she does not have glaucoma in either eye.
“We are,” they say, “ready to try something new.”
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
We were sitting on your bed, and you were annoyed with me, and you had a black Sharpie marker in your hand, and you said, “Hey, can I write something on your shirt?”
And I said, “Sure,” because it was actually your shirt.
And you wrote “PAY ATTENTION TO ME,” across the front, below the v-neck, but also on my chest, since the t-shirt was worn, thin, and the ink bled through.
And it was a...
1 tag
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
Tomorrow morning I am going to be on Good Morning America.
Tonight I arrived home and realized that I left my bag (keys, wallet, eyeglasses, various pills, makeup, 10 pounds of other assorted important things) in my office.
Sometimes I manage to surprise myself.
#themosthumblebrag
ADDENDUM:
My mom just sent a text message that says, “WHAT?! THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME ABOUT YOU...
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
My arm is allergic to your face.