Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Go

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 16:16:00 -0500

“Here’s the thing,” she said, “I’m a catch.”
“That’s the thing,” he said, “so am I.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 19:41:58 -0500

Until soon.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 20:15:55 -0500

“When you talk to her,” he told himself, “aim more for passive compliment, and less for marriage proposal.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:06:00 -0500

I insisted that you keep your socks on, not because your feet were cold against mine, but because I didn’t want to see your ankle tattoo of a cartoon turtle.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:21:09 -0500

Analysis paralysis.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:12:00 -0500

She was always searching for a story.
He was sometimes searching for her story too.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:52:55 -0500

At some point, soon, we are going to have to redefine the word “favorite.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 23:03:33 -0500

Do not make a list of things you love more than love.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:22:00 -0500

Is he or she “Similar To You” because you look at his or her Twitter feed 12 times a day?

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:53:05 -0500

Internet retirement, imminent.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:09:00 -0500

The rule is: NO SUBWAY PANTS ON THE BED.
The rule is not an invitation to take off all clothing upon entering my apartment.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 10:04:00 -0500

“Didn’t you get my text message?” I asked.
“Everyone got your text message,” he said, “you sent it to Twitter.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 18:31:00 -0500

I knew it was over when he bought some self-help books for me, for Chanukah.
I thought it was weird that such a smart man did not understand the meaning of the word “self.”
He thought it was weird that I pretended that was the part that mattered.
“The ‘self’ isn’t the point,” he said.
I pointed out that the semantics were sort of actually exactly the point.
And we seemed, for a moment, like a pretty good match.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 21:41:00 -0500

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” said my mother, “but we already got a holiday card from the garbage men, so you really should mail your cards soon.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:30:00 -0500

You always obscure the object,” they said.
But maybe they meant “the subject.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:37:00 -0500

He refuses to wear a seat belt.
She uses the rear-view mirror to apply the glaucoma eye drops that promote eyelash growth, that simulate eyelash extensions, that stimulate eyelash extension, though she is sitting in the back seat and she does not have glaucoma in either eye.
“We are,” they say, “ready to try something new.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:33:00 -0500

We were sitting on your bed, and you were annoyed with me, and you had a black Sharpie marker in your hand, and you said, “Hey, can I write something on your shirt?”
And I said, “Sure,” because it was actually your shirt.
And you wrote “PAY ATTENTION TO ME,” across the front, below the v-neck, but also on my chest, since the t-shirt was worn, thin, and the ink bled through.
And it was a fitting phrase, because I was, obviously, clamoring for your attention while you quietly labeled whatever it was that you were labeling with your permanent marker before you labeled me.
(Video tapes of TV shows you recorded faithfully, on your VCR, for your “library,” for posterity.)
I only realized, just now, though, that you probably meant that I should pay attention to you too.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:12:00 -0500

Tomorrow morning I am going to be on Good Morning America.
Tonight I arrived home and realized that I left my bag (keys, wallet, eyeglasses, various pills, makeup, 10 pounds of other assorted important things) in my office.
Sometimes I manage to surprise myself.
#themosthumblebrag

ADDENDUM:

My mom just sent a text message that says, “WHAT?! THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME ABOUT YOU AT ALL.”

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:26:31 -0500

My arm is allergic to your face.

Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 17:16:00 -0500

The reason I was not totally paying attention to you while we were talking and I was crossing and uncrossing my legs.
They say to cross your legs “in the direction of” someone, in order to indicate that you like them.
I never know which leg goes on top, and whether your crossed knees are supposed to be the part of this equation that ends up pointing toward the other person, or your feet.
I try not to think about it too much when I am sitting and talking and crossing and uncrossing my legs next to, toward, and/or near other people. But then I do think about it too much and I get caught up in the action, and in thinking about the action, at the same time.
It seems like terrible advice from people (and magazines) more coordinated than me.